Five 'Star Wars' rumors that we made up (or did we?)
Posted Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at 5:10 PM Central
Last updated Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at 5:10 PM Central
by John Couture
It's going to be a long 18 months (exactly), or 548 days, until Star Wars: Episode VII is released. Not that we're keeping count or anything.
On December 18, 2015, the Force will return to theaters with a vengeance, but that still leaves plenty of times to have some fun with rumors and trying to figure out what the new Star Wars film is all about. I know that we have said repeatedly that we wouldn't report on every little rumor out there, but we had to mark this major milestone properly and besides, who doesn't like made up rumors about Star Wars.
At this point, I should point out all of the necessary spoiler warnings and all that. If you don't want to even be spoiled by conjecture, complete non-sense and conflicting stories about the plot of Episode VII, then turn back now.
No really, turn back, unless you want a good laugh or two.
OK, now that we've thinned the herd a bit, I'll catch you up to speed on the happenings of the last 48 hours or so that proved to be the inspiration for this piece. Rumors began circulating that the main baddie would be a character called The Inquisitor. Now, The Inquisitor is a real character from the upcoming TV series Star Wars Rebels. And look at him (there's a picture on the link above), he looks a real badass and the idea of Jedi hunters sounds interesting for the animated series. Well, even The Huffington Post ran with the story about Jedi hunters being the main bad guys in Star Wars: Episode VII, with Adam Driver and Lupita Nyong'o being cast as two said Jedi hunters, presumably reporting to The Inquisitor.
Of course, it didn't take long for one of the most reliable sources of Star Wars news, TheForce.net, to completely refute these rumors and emphatically deny that Jedi hunters would be the villains of Episode VII. So, who's right? Who knows. It's quite possible that they are both right or wrong. It's also quite possible that director J.J. Abrams is simply playing puppet master and adding more confusion to the mess that is Star Wars rumors by throwing out a bunch of garbage.
Now that would be a cool and novel way to combat leaks and spoilers. I've always said that the best defense is a good offense. And it's not like J.J. is above spreading false rumors to mask the truth *cough* Khan is not in Star Trek Into Darkness *cough*.
So, with this in mind, we thought we'd muddle the field a bit and create five completely made up rumors about Star Wars: Episode VII. Again, these are based on nothing other than being pulled from our backside, however, if they do turn out to be true, we will begin to add lucky lottery numbers to the end of our posts.
Without further ado, here are five plot points that we secretly hope never see the light of day in a Star Wars film.
- Jedi Juice
Remember Aunt Beru's blue milk? What if I told you that it wasn't simply the Bantha milk that we have been led to believe it is, but instead a Jedi enhancing drug? That's right, Star Wars: Episode VII will have JEDs.
You see, there's a reason that Luke Skywalker is the most powerful Jedi in the entire galaxy and his secret isn't the result of winning some genetic lottery. No, follow me here, Aunt Beru knew that midi-chlorians were the true source of any Jedi's power and that's what she spiked her blue milk, millions of midi-chlorians.
Luke Skywalker uncovers Aunt Beru's secret ingredient while on a Jedi prospecting trip to his old haunts on Tatooine and quickly exploits the blue milk and turns it into "Jedi Juice," the only drink that will bestow temporary Jedi powers onto those who drink it or enhance existing Jedi powers. Think Breaking Bad, but over an entire galaxy.
- The Return of Jar Jar
Doesn't everyone want to see the inevitable death of Jar Jar Binks? Well, fear not dear reader, because Jar Jar is back and he's more at the center of things than ever before.
At the end of Episode VII, a badly scarred Jar Jar Binks will pop up and it will be revealed that he was the one pulling the strings for the entire movie in a scene with too much exposition that rivals some of the worst Bond villains of all time. Before Jar Jar bites it (you know that won't come until Episode IX), he kills off fan favorite Han Solo as the cliffhanger ending of Episode VII.
- Twins
It's not a real Star Wars film until, you know, twins. So, it will be revealed that John Boyega and Lupita Nyong'o are twins, but this time, one is good while the other is bad.
The ongoing storyline will be about the one sibling trying to convert the other sibling to the light/dark side. And yes, C-3PO will yammer on about the odds being astronomically high that there would be yet another unknown twin plot point in Star Wars.
Their father will be revealed at the end of Episode VIII when none other than Lando Calrissian marks his return to the Star Wars trilogy. Long thought dead, Lando will regale them with his exploits and daring adventures over the course of 25 minutes of film time in Episode IX.
Who's their mother? One of Jabba's dancers that caught Lando's eye when they were liberating Han, Luke and Leia in Return of the Jedi at Jabba's palace. Lando bought a night club shortly after events on Endor, but she ran off when she learned she was pregnant. Lando had no clue that he was the father until the DNA test confirmed it.
- New Kashyyyk
Chewbacca abandoned Han after the Battle of Endor and adopted the Ewoks in the hopes of turning Endor into New Kashyyyk. As events get started in Episode VII, Han needs to find his old co-pilot and we get a return to Endor, which means, you guessed it, Ewoks return.
After thirty years of cross-breeding, Endor is now overrun with Ewoks, Wookies and a new hybrid race that basically resembles the Sasquatch from those beef jerky commercials and those cave men from the insurance commercials.
- Luke Skywalker in Love
There's been plenty of speculation that Luke Skywalker is going to be in love and that Expanded Universe (EU) character Mara Jade will be play his love interest. Well, now that the EU is a thing of the past, I think it's a bit premature to simply pencil in Mara Jade, or even a woman as Luke's love interest.
Didn't we learn anything from the prequel trilogies about mixing the Force with love? It just doesn't work. But that won't stop J.J. from trying his hand at a Star Wars love story, only this one will be a little bit different.
The outlook is foggy on this one, but I predict that Luke Skywalker will be in a non-traditional romantic relationship. I think revealing that Luke Skywalker is gay is too obvious for J.J., so I'm going to take it one step further. Luke will either be in a relationship with a clone of himself (because you know, Clones) or with a non-humanoid alien.
Either way, love and the Force still doesn't work and this relationship will ultimately lead to Luke's demise.
What do you think? Which rumors would you like to see come true?
*UPDATE*
As I was writing this story, Latino Review basically all but confirmed the Jedi hunters plot. Again, it's a big "he said, she said" sort of thing, so they could be right or wrong. Either way, I like the idea of black and chrome storm troopers. That sounds pretty bad ass to me.